2009 is indeed a year of transformation for me.
And truly, with only three quarters thru, my so called life has already crashed twice. And while I managed to pull thru when e house of cards fell, I m not so certain this time round, because this "attack" was all rounded and struck at e most foundamental, which was obviously missing.
It made me question all that I believed in, all that I thought I knew, all that I was trying to achieve. Not that e theory or logic was faulty. It was my interpretation and subsequent actions that might have been misguided. And herein lies e suffering. I tot I was right, but now I might not be, and I don't quite know how to adjust and adapt to e "changes".
I m too tied and attached to my old understanding, to my ego that I was right and am better than e rest. How does one humble e self and relearn all e fundamentals? I'm struggling with e process and do not see e way out. Yes I m addicted to results, to expectations, to a structure. I m going to faint.
Dukkha is all so present in our everyday life, and it is often amplified by our sense of self, by our perspectives, by our selfishness.
Have I truly learnt e four noble truths? I think not. There is learning and there is LEARNING. My foundations are based on e superficial, on e logical. Not from experience or real understanding. It was never internalized, never fully grasped. Hence I often fail to do it RIGHT.
How than can I move on from here? I m still waiting for an answer and trying to figure it out. I was given very sound advice (which I m taking) which is to seek guidance and help from e Buddha. At this point, that is all that I can manage with a clear mind. Amituofo
No comments:
Post a Comment