No offense to those whose weddings I have attended.
But weddings are not my favourite outings.
Yes, i am totally happy for the bride and groom, and is proud to be able to share that special moment with them, and i do wish them all the best in their journey together.
but weddings take a lot out of me, and can screw up my whole balance. of course it is my own fault for allowing that to happen, and it does show that i am not yet mature or disciplined enough to withstand all the "temptations", etc,
but it is really VERY HARD FOR ME!
it is not the waiting for guests to arrive, dinner to be served, or listening to lousy emcees.
it is the fact that i am stuck at the table with friends whom i have not seen for a long long time, and everyone is updating each other on what is happening in their lives right now.
updating is putting it nicely. depending on which group of friends you are with, it can become a comparing thing, meaning we are all showing off our wonderful careers, lovely cars, branded clothes, or cute babies.
or it is a judging contest. in any case, it upset my balance because i do not know how to communicate with my friends anymore.
i m no longer that concerned with where i m working, how much i m earning, how prestigious my firm is, how long i have been married.
i only want to get out of samsara, and the conversations are so not helping me. it burdens me, tempts me, and somehow i allow it to drag me back into the whole cyclic existence thingy. argh!
yes, it is because i am not mindful enough. it is because i still have ego and pride. it is because i still need to cultivate.
i have often thought tat the easiest way out is to avoid these events. but how can i miss the weddings of good friends who have been there for me, and as mentioned previously, sitting on a cushion isnt going to help me get my mind trained. it is occassion like that that i get the training required.
but do pardon me if i fail to bring myself to attend your wedding.
i still love you, but my sanity is obviously more important. [that is quite a selfish tot...argh]
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