Humbling the ego - CTS 8

This trip had a lot of experiences of humbling the ego....

Cheng Tian Si is known for its strict discipline, especially during retreats. Every wrong doing could result in a penalty badge, and according to the rules, 3 badges and you are out.

In the previous years, one was supposed to wear the penalty badge on your haiqing. But they have modified it to the badge being tagged on your mat in the practice hall.

There was this one time where I was almost late. Technically I wasnt late at all. I was on the 5 mins early dot. But the thing is, they are always preparing to start 5 mins before the scheduled time, ie, all are standing and waiting for the Venerables to arrive and start.

So there I was, five mins early/late, and the Sutras have already been passed out. And of worst luck, a strict Venerable was standing at my row, looking at my empty spot. Argh. I was really groaning to myself deep inside. So I had to quickly jump in, and "receive" my Sutra from the retreatant behind me. (It had always passed me)

So for that session, I was worried sick that I would end up getting a penalty badge.
And I tried to reassure myself that it was alright, that it would do good for my ego, etc.

And that was the real lesson. I didnt receive a badge in the end, but the fear of getting one, of having others know that I committed a mistake, was the lesson that my ego needed to learn.

If I truly made a mistake, than I should be brave and admit to it, and maybe even wear the badge proudly. But my ego was still too big, and gave me trouble for the "loss of face", etc.

I havent overcome this humongous ego of mine, but I work hard at ridding it bit by bit by bit.